Once Upon A Happy Time

Time now runs slower, as if to constantly remind me.
Sleep has become a thing of the past, a luxury that once was.
Nights have become so long, a never ending movie.
Everyday now I sit up and wait, hoping the dawn of day would bring with it some good news.
Am past the crying stage, a lot of tears have rolled down my cheeks none of which have brought me solace.

The nights are cold yet I sweat just as the days are full of warmth but l still find myself shivering. 

When will this end?

I wear this smile as if to show the world that all is well but who am I deceiving?
Even my smiles don't seem to believe me anymore.
Where did my joy go?
Things were so beautiful not so long ago.
I was so happy and on top of the world.
I had heard about these things, read of them but never thought I could be next.
I still don't believe it, this can't be real.
How did this happen and how could it have this much of an effect on me?
No am not getting lean.
No am not ill.
No you all can't be right.
No that can't be me in the mirror.
All these lies I keep telling myself or maybe I just chose not to believe them.
Am I in denial? Truth or lies, the fact still remains.

It is so ironic, that while I thought it was all good and could not be better; it in fact was getting worse.
I have always consoled other people, always been there as a support, always helped through pain and hurts, I understand the stages of loss/hurt/despair whatever you call it; yet I do not seem to know what to do now.
I don't know how to help myself.
How do I move past this?
I have circled through the Ws and H, a million times over.
Why did this happen?
When did it begin?
With whom and where?
How did it happen and which did I miss out?
I have tried to hide it and work has been a good friend; a welcomed refuge in which I buried worries.
But that too has began to fail...
Now I seat at my desk all day, going through piles of work and getting nothing done.
I leave for home, sit on my bed and begin the circle again.

Very sure I have been sitting here for hours now.

Looking out the window, I think I see the sun rising. A quick glance at the ticking clock to confirm, leaves me surprised - its not even mid night yet.
And so here begins another long night...

But first why is this notepad wet?
Have I been crying again?
Oh, when will this end?

To be continued...

olasupoAjayi